ZNMD

It takes a producer, a director, a team of actors/actresses, a music director and crew to remind me that ZNMD : Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. I wonder: is it fear of letting go, fear of the unknown, comfort in the regularities of life, disapproval of the path less trodden, fear of failure, urge to conform to the definitions..what is it that holds us to stay in this life of of squares, rectangles and boxes.

Long Due!

It is time to revive that burning desire to write. With the advent of Twitter, I seem to have so much to say, but limit to 140 letters. May be it is the perennial lack of time excuse or the ugly laziness excuse.
If I were to summarize my 2010 in one word: Eye opening. Over the last year, I realized how precious "NOW" is and how little I can do to influence it, if at all. I have started worrying less about things far out in the future (the long due earthquake in the SF Bay Area..said to be atleast 9.0..and yes, I do worry about it!). I have started setting small and enjoyable goals (these are ones that I would truly enjoy myself as a person and does not include loose 5lbs), do a little charity on the way, think about what I have and feel blessed, realize true love. May be this is what is called growing up. I have already seen some friends loose relationship, some gain, some change, some leave, some arrive. It is disheartening, elating, mesmerizing all at the same time. But it is life as it rolls down.
So, with my newly adopted attitude of doing something fun, I hope to come back more often here and write more than just 140.

This is really beauty?

I've watched with alarm at the demands of the fashion industry for skinny models to walk down their haute couture ramp. But this is the limit!

I gaze in disbelief at the picture of this poor, starved, skeleton look alike who no longer can be called a "model". In the fashion world that demands beauty and poise, I fail to understand why the demands tend more and more towards anorexic and disheveled looking girls.

Caught inbetween two worlds

It is some time away from work for me. My little one isn't in the pinkest of her health and I'm hoping keeping her home will restore some color to her cheeks. Since we were home, me and a friend decided to meet for lunch. We both are new moms (sorta, my kid is 16 months and hers is about 10). I still like the term new moms as it gives us room to be a little more, how do I say it, pretend new mom? Well, coming to the point. We met for lunch. Much as I had anticipated, I ran up and down for paper towels between bites of sandwich. She cooed and rocked her baby between her bites of sandwich.
After we got done, we decided to take a walk with the babies hoping that'll get them to sleep.

Like a gaggle of geese, when women get together, we talk (yes, mostly just talk). Talking to her, I realized how much value my work adds to my identity. I'm struggling to be a good mom to my little one. This means, I have to take time away from work, try to spend quality time with her in the evening, work up a magic in the kitchen for her, tend to her during her bouts of crying at night. I enjoy parts of it and not so much other parts of it. But this seems to reduce the additional time I can put in for work - not just the part that is done in the office like turning in your deliverables. I'm talking more about the part that is done outside: networking, conferences, company events etc. I wanna be the coolest mom around yet I'm burning to be the smartest kid on the block at work too. These two roles seem to be consuming time out of a finite space.

Definitely caught inbetween the two worlds. I guess in this era, all worlds a stage..unfortunately, you don more than one character and have to change quickly between acts. In some acts, you have a split personality =)

Different? not, I want it same!

Everyone is on a journey to find something different, to do something different, to make something unique. But once in a while, we all need the same same. We want it exactly the way it was, nothing changed like Amma's coffee, Daddy's scooter sounds, ringa-ringa roses tune. This time, for me, it was the wedding season.
I am missing close to 7 weddings this year (that is counting only the ones until july). I was swamped with memories this morning of weddings. My friend jokingly mentioned that we need to move the weddings to here in the US, but I stopped him. I just realized, I want the audacious-loud-indian wedding. I want the wedding halls with tubelights and creaky chairs. I want the jasmine flowers, sandalwood water sprinkled by little girls and one coy teenager. I want to hear that "vaango vaango" from a smiling stranger who has no idea how I am related to the bride/groom but warmly welcomes me as a part of her family. I want to hear that nadaswaram fill the room with some abaswaram, some melliflous, some known, some unknown melodies. I want to be in the crowd, alive with happiness, excitement so tangible that you can touch it. I want to be a part of the mindless banter around pattu sarees, jewellery, show off gifts from hubby, mil to the jealous eyes of observer. Every now and then, pay attention to what is going on with the bride and groom on stage. Run around and help the family with the wedding proceeds, watch the wedding go step by step and remember my own. I want the same maamas and maami's calling me and talking to be for atleast 30 mins, reliving memories from yester years; just enjoying being part of a big, loud, yappy family. I want the orange juice spilling on maami's saree, coffee-is-cold complaints, kesari is heavy, idli is light. The getting ready for lunch; have the guests enjoyed the food; have wedding favors been given out. The part where I would be dying to eat a morsel and finally be relieved to find it my my turn to sit at the table. The part where I would enjoy every part of the food; the festivities and the fun. I wouldn't change a thing about the weddings. I want nothing different. Just the same - old-chaotic-colorful weddings =)

Oh! I so miss the weddings in India-South India- Madras/Chennai!

Creativity and inner Balance..

This was written back in Oct-Nov 2009 and finally gets to see the blogworld:
During my baby bonding time to say that I enjoyed myself these past weeks is an understatement. I spent a good amount of time with Pingu, tried to squeeze in workouts here and there and in general been busy with my own little projects. I am beginning to realize more and more than I need to have an outlet for creativity. In this world of schedules, deadlines, square boxes, straight lanes there needs to be a room to have fluidity, shapelessness, chaos. I started mini projects to decorate my rooms and am beginning to draw satisfaction from them. I guess this was what I have been missing past few years there by leading to a restless inner self. Back in my tweens (gosh, realizing I'm old!), I was a part of a group that did a lot of creative structures and even more creative kadalai (smirk) which helped establish a good balance. Hopefully I find that balance soon.

Time Scarcity

It is past 3.00 am in the morning. I haven't slept a wink. I managed to clean up the kitchen a little, pack lunch and dinner for hub, lunch for myself, clean some of the l'll one's stuff, put away toys and dolls displayed and some other minor activities that I don't recall now. I still have more official work pending, the clothes are lying after laundry waiting to be folded and neatly arranged. I was told earlier today that an insect was found in some clothes. I need to look into what happened. Oh, I have a lamp to clean..this list seems endless.. There is something def wrong with the way I am using my time.. may be I am just loosing it and can't find it...