ZNMD

It takes a producer, a director, a team of actors/actresses, a music director and crew to remind me that ZNMD : Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. I wonder: is it fear of letting go, fear of the unknown, comfort in the regularities of life, disapproval of the path less trodden, fear of failure, urge to conform to the definitions..what is it that holds us to stay in this life of of squares, rectangles and boxes.

Long Due!

It is time to revive that burning desire to write. With the advent of Twitter, I seem to have so much to say, but limit to 140 letters. May be it is the perennial lack of time excuse or the ugly laziness excuse.
If I were to summarize my 2010 in one word: Eye opening. Over the last year, I realized how precious "NOW" is and how little I can do to influence it, if at all. I have started worrying less about things far out in the future (the long due earthquake in the SF Bay Area..said to be atleast 9.0..and yes, I do worry about it!). I have started setting small and enjoyable goals (these are ones that I would truly enjoy myself as a person and does not include loose 5lbs), do a little charity on the way, think about what I have and feel blessed, realize true love. May be this is what is called growing up. I have already seen some friends loose relationship, some gain, some change, some leave, some arrive. It is disheartening, elating, mesmerizing all at the same time. But it is life as it rolls down.
So, with my newly adopted attitude of doing something fun, I hope to come back more often here and write more than just 140.

This is really beauty?

I've watched with alarm at the demands of the fashion industry for skinny models to walk down their haute couture ramp. But this is the limit!

I gaze in disbelief at the picture of this poor, starved, skeleton look alike who no longer can be called a "model". In the fashion world that demands beauty and poise, I fail to understand why the demands tend more and more towards anorexic and disheveled looking girls.

Caught inbetween two worlds

It is some time away from work for me. My little one isn't in the pinkest of her health and I'm hoping keeping her home will restore some color to her cheeks. Since we were home, me and a friend decided to meet for lunch. We both are new moms (sorta, my kid is 16 months and hers is about 10). I still like the term new moms as it gives us room to be a little more, how do I say it, pretend new mom? Well, coming to the point. We met for lunch. Much as I had anticipated, I ran up and down for paper towels between bites of sandwich. She cooed and rocked her baby between her bites of sandwich.
After we got done, we decided to take a walk with the babies hoping that'll get them to sleep.

Like a gaggle of geese, when women get together, we talk (yes, mostly just talk). Talking to her, I realized how much value my work adds to my identity. I'm struggling to be a good mom to my little one. This means, I have to take time away from work, try to spend quality time with her in the evening, work up a magic in the kitchen for her, tend to her during her bouts of crying at night. I enjoy parts of it and not so much other parts of it. But this seems to reduce the additional time I can put in for work - not just the part that is done in the office like turning in your deliverables. I'm talking more about the part that is done outside: networking, conferences, company events etc. I wanna be the coolest mom around yet I'm burning to be the smartest kid on the block at work too. These two roles seem to be consuming time out of a finite space.

Definitely caught inbetween the two worlds. I guess in this era, all worlds a stage..unfortunately, you don more than one character and have to change quickly between acts. In some acts, you have a split personality =)

Different? not, I want it same!

Everyone is on a journey to find something different, to do something different, to make something unique. But once in a while, we all need the same same. We want it exactly the way it was, nothing changed like Amma's coffee, Daddy's scooter sounds, ringa-ringa roses tune. This time, for me, it was the wedding season.
I am missing close to 7 weddings this year (that is counting only the ones until july). I was swamped with memories this morning of weddings. My friend jokingly mentioned that we need to move the weddings to here in the US, but I stopped him. I just realized, I want the audacious-loud-indian wedding. I want the wedding halls with tubelights and creaky chairs. I want the jasmine flowers, sandalwood water sprinkled by little girls and one coy teenager. I want to hear that "vaango vaango" from a smiling stranger who has no idea how I am related to the bride/groom but warmly welcomes me as a part of her family. I want to hear that nadaswaram fill the room with some abaswaram, some melliflous, some known, some unknown melodies. I want to be in the crowd, alive with happiness, excitement so tangible that you can touch it. I want to be a part of the mindless banter around pattu sarees, jewellery, show off gifts from hubby, mil to the jealous eyes of observer. Every now and then, pay attention to what is going on with the bride and groom on stage. Run around and help the family with the wedding proceeds, watch the wedding go step by step and remember my own. I want the same maamas and maami's calling me and talking to be for atleast 30 mins, reliving memories from yester years; just enjoying being part of a big, loud, yappy family. I want the orange juice spilling on maami's saree, coffee-is-cold complaints, kesari is heavy, idli is light. The getting ready for lunch; have the guests enjoyed the food; have wedding favors been given out. The part where I would be dying to eat a morsel and finally be relieved to find it my my turn to sit at the table. The part where I would enjoy every part of the food; the festivities and the fun. I wouldn't change a thing about the weddings. I want nothing different. Just the same - old-chaotic-colorful weddings =)

Oh! I so miss the weddings in India-South India- Madras/Chennai!

Creativity and inner Balance..

This was written back in Oct-Nov 2009 and finally gets to see the blogworld:
During my baby bonding time to say that I enjoyed myself these past weeks is an understatement. I spent a good amount of time with Pingu, tried to squeeze in workouts here and there and in general been busy with my own little projects. I am beginning to realize more and more than I need to have an outlet for creativity. In this world of schedules, deadlines, square boxes, straight lanes there needs to be a room to have fluidity, shapelessness, chaos. I started mini projects to decorate my rooms and am beginning to draw satisfaction from them. I guess this was what I have been missing past few years there by leading to a restless inner self. Back in my tweens (gosh, realizing I'm old!), I was a part of a group that did a lot of creative structures and even more creative kadalai (smirk) which helped establish a good balance. Hopefully I find that balance soon.

Time Scarcity

It is past 3.00 am in the morning. I haven't slept a wink. I managed to clean up the kitchen a little, pack lunch and dinner for hub, lunch for myself, clean some of the l'll one's stuff, put away toys and dolls displayed and some other minor activities that I don't recall now. I still have more official work pending, the clothes are lying after laundry waiting to be folded and neatly arranged. I was told earlier today that an insect was found in some clothes. I need to look into what happened. Oh, I have a lamp to clean..this list seems endless.. There is something def wrong with the way I am using my time.. may be I am just loosing it and can't find it...

Bollywood Stars and Blogs

Hbee on a tour out at SD, baybee fast asleep, I finally got my time. It wasn't exactly downtime when I started working. I remembered reading somewhere not to spend my entire life working. Good point. I decided to go through some tinsel town news. One thing lead to another and I was glancing through blogs of Aamir Khan and Big B. Hmm. I think even if I was paid to blv, I wouldn't blv that Aamir and Big B write their blogs everyday. Don't they also have the same 24 hrs that I do. There are many days when I find it hard to carve out time to fix my hair (which typically shudn't take more than 15 mins and yes! I don't get even that 15 mins most of the days and end up pulling it all into a tiny ponytail..it is more like a pig tail actually). How do stars as big as themselves find the time to write PAGES of articles every day? I can't help but feel sorry for them for having to lead a life behind so many different masks (I'm thinking artistic venetian masks). May be it is true for them too. Their work-acting also spills over into their personal life and the line between work and life disappears..that would be some strange living!

Down Time..hmm..what to do??

These days, I don't get much time to sit down/read emails/catch up with friends. So weird, but today I finally got this much needed down time. But I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do!!!

Spontaneity

Spontaneous?Not me. I am a planner. I make lists, lists of lists and enjoy the feeling of crossing them out when they are done. But I am beginning to realize that I see the world as squares while everyone enjoys things in all sorts of shapes and forms.
Ever wondered how some people can be so spontaneous. They don't seem to care what the people around them would think of them, what they would say/how they would react. I love such spontaneous people. They add that spice to live. They seem to live the moment, breathe life into boring monotony, bring sunshine and smiles into any place they stop by. They seem to enjoy life. Being this list maker, I fear I wouldn't have fun stories to share with my grandchildren(yes, I think about such things). I feel guilty for running through each day just doing what is required before hitting the bed and calling it a night. It is not that I don't get ideas that can bring a smile on people's face and make my day happier. I am still wondering what is that "thing" that is stopping me.

I was talking about this to a friend and I'm slowly realizing there are two kinds of spontaneity. I would classify them as 'long term' and 'short term' or 'tactical' and 'strategic'. Spontaneous action that would yield happiness in long run (job, career decision, school, girlfriend) being strategic. Things like unplanned picnic, dancing during the day like no one is watching, singing out loud, long drives, hanging out being tactical.

There is more to say, but I lost my train of thought/inspiration. Will come back and pen them down when they hit me. To summarize, I am thinking tactical spontaneity brings more smiles everyday. Would you agree?

How Twitter saved my day

This has been my nightmare for quite sometime- missing my cell phone charger. And it happened!
My husband "borrowed" my cell phone charger and left it in his office. To my alarm, it is Le Weekend! And no, going all the way to the office to get just a phone charger is outta question. On top of that, my husband had his 'once in a zillion years' sat class as a part of his part time MBA program. So, this morning while I was still rubbing sleep out of my eyes, he chirped in : " Sorry, I forgot your charger at work. I will be in sat class all day today. Find an iPod charger and it should work on your iPhone as well'.
Honestly, I did not hear anything beyond 'Forgot your charger at work'. I woke up as if an earthquake hit my bed! I panicked! What if my mom was trying to reach me to tell me some relative had been hit by a bus. What if they called me from work. The thing with work is, You ALWAYS answer the phone. Remember that scene from 'The Devil Wears Prada'? Andy panicks when her friends play with her fone and she 'almost' misses the call. Well, it is EXACTLY like that..but I digress(And Yes! I love/enjoy chick flix). Anyway, bottom line, everyone in the world will try to reach me on my cell phone exactly when my cell phone is dead. I can't let that happen! I started thinking of all the friends I can ring up to borrow a charger. But damn, my phone is dead and my home phone doesn't have long distance AND I don't remember any of their numbers! Bloody neat!
I was numb but smiled so that my husband can leave peacefully to his class. My l'll one cooed lying next to me. I was thinking : "Yes, mommy will find a solution. I will save us from this terrible day.".
Like a beam of sunshine on a gloomy day, my eyes fell on the picture of our family God : Tirupathi Balaji. Yes! He was my answer.. err, I mean, yes, God is always an answer. But since I need a charger and I haven't heard of chargers falling from God's pictures, I'll have to resort to my neighbor with the same name who actually 'might' have a charger. But wait, how do I reach him? My cell phone is dead and I don't know his cell number. Immediately, I ran to my laptop and looked for him: on FB..nope!, on Gtalk...nope again..one more hope, wait.., on Orkut...waaaah!!!!. Alas! the man who is almost always available at one place or another went missing, went underground..just plain vanished! I panicked more..did he decide to go away for the weekend; was he unwell and in hospital; did he decide to move without telling anyone. I really need him to be there 'coz I need to borrow his phone charger. I kicked myself back to reality. Think..think..Ah..ha!bulb burning..'Twitter'!!!
My joy knew no bound! I could 'Tweet' him..yes..no matter where he was, he would receive an sms(hopefully, he has set it up that way). I could sms him my home number and ask him to call me in case he wasn't at home. If he wasn't home, may be I could convince him and break his door and get to the phone charger..you think that sounds too far fetched? you just don't know how I can convince people...
Well, coming back to the situation: so, I tweeted..AND sent him a direct message (just to be doubly sure). Five minutes passed..the LONGEST five minutes of my life. I waited, holding my breath(well, the 10 secs that I can hold. What do u think I am? a superwoman?). After those 5 mins, my google chat 'Dinged'! OMG! my day has been saved!! He responded..I could have hugged even a buffalo at that point (just saying it coz I'm triply sure there are no buffalos on the street here). He said he doesn't own an iPhone charger, but could loan me his iPod charger and that might work. We agreed to meet on the street. I swore under my breath to work more diligently for my company. Isn't it a master stroke to make mp3 chargers compatible with its phone chargers and thus save my day? We all should prostrate before such a company! (I hear some actually do, although, I haven't seen anyone in action in the past year)..

Phew! It was a HUGGE relief! We met on the street within 30 secs, I borrowed the cable and my phone is now happily charging.

Can you imagine what would have happened without 'Twitter'? I would have been forced out of my virtual hole. I would have had to resort to what my parents and their generation would have 'normally' done : knock on the neighbors door and interact in person!

Can You stop Pretending?

I'm facing social challenges now. Well, not exactly now, but it has been going on for sometime. I am realizing that as I get older, I find it harder to make friends. I am unable to find people with whom I click and who click with me. It all seems like the thing of the past: Hours of conversations, debating issues, talking openly and freely about anything under the sun, agreeing to disagree..well you get the picture. But that is not what this is about. This is about 'Pretend Friends'.
May be I just made that word up. Well, these are acquaintances who I meet more often than I would an acquaintance. Yet, we never graduated to becoming friends. They have long remained in the role and I'm having to do things with them just because. I'm sure they feel the same way about me too. Don't get me wrong. They are perfectly nice people, very helpful (when I ask for help) and sometimes fun too. But somehow, we don't have those endless conversations. I can't seem to look forward to get-togethers with them. Yet, every birthday, every festival, every idle weekend, we all seem to meet, as if we have an unbreakable pact. We drop in notes of hi/hello/how are you every now and then. But that is it. There seems to be this constant fear of revealing too much of oneself, spelling out plans for the future. May be it is just the fear of becoming friends? It is like walking on eggshells.
It goes like this: Oh, don't say this, you might offend someone in the group. I'm asking - 'So what? It is my opinion. Everyone can have an opinion right'.
Oh, we have to invite everyone, cause they invited us for their thingy. I'm asking - ' So what?, I want to spend time with people I have fun with, with people who mean something, with people I'm comfortable with. How long do I continue this act of courtesy'?
I tried thinking of several reasons why we don't click. I'm unable to put a finger on anything. We have similar tastes, interests, nothing wrong there. But we just don't gel. May be we don't do much things together other than eat, drink and be merry (rephrase, pretend to be merry). Sometimes, it gets complicated. One time, I get a feeling that we are becoming friends. But the next time we meet, I feel like I dint get the note that said ' We are back to behaving acquaintances now'. It gets really hard to gauge what to say/do.
Now, I'm getting tired of all this pretending. I want to end it. Just be plain and face the fact that we are not friends, just acquaintances. I don't have to go to every get together, I don't have to pretend and smile and show like I'm having a good time (even when I'm sometimes not!). Life is short and unpredictable. I'm sure they are also tired of all this pretending. But I'm not sure where to start/how to start. Again, the fear of offending someone rises. This is like an endless loop. Have you been in this situation?

ps: I was discussing the topic of 'Virtual Friends' with my BIL. But that is for another post..

Google Latitude?

Ok..NO! I don't want to be tracked every minute of my day. Are you telling me that I can no longer WFH and actually sit and work from *bux or my favorite hole-in-the-wall eatery? Are you telling me that I can no longer tell my friend 'I'm on my way' while truthfully I am still at home in front of my mirror throwing on some lipstick? Are you telling me that I can no longer say I'm away for my weekend while the truth is I am too lazy to get outta my couch at home. I mean, I don't mind knowing where I am at, but I definitely mind knowing that someone else knows where exactly I'm at..

WLB..a myth?

I am gearing to get back to work. The last 4 months were the most enjoyable time of my entire life. I had a beautiful baby girl in Nov and my life hasn't been the same. She is so much joy that words fail to express what I feel when I see her smile. As I sit down, with her enjoying her beauty sleep on my lap, I begin to wonder.
In less than 20 days, I get back to work. This world has seen me go through job-life. I used to love the challenge at work. So many evenings/nites/weekends were all sunk in work and sometimes, I even enjoyed it! Doing well and moving up the career ladder was extremely important not just to my ego but also to my understanding of who I really am! Now, all that is out of the window. I am not saying that I want to sit at home and take care of my daughter. All I am saying is that office work doesn't seem to head my list of important things. I love this transformation and fear it at the same time.

Fear, because I am in search of Utopia - Work Life Balance.
Is it a myth?a fairy tale which ends 'and they lived happily ever after' but all of us know, there is no happily ever after. That is because life is a journey and not a destination. I haven't heard one soul among my friends say that they have a good work life balance. Everyone seems to be struggling to spend time with their families, spend enough time with work, network and stay happy. In the scrambling to find happiness and peace, we all quite miss out on enjoying the journey of life. What I really don't understand is why work environments are designed the way they are. Doesn't everyone realize that such designs only add stress to their lives. The stress seeps in and creates restlessness in family lives. But wait, it doesn't stop there. It also creeps into work life and creates shoddy deliverable. Why don't companies simply realize that a happy employee means a longer and sustainable profit for the firm?

In this day and age of global competition, employers push for working beyond geographical boundaries. While it seems great that we have 24 hr stores, helplines, ATMS, it also means that someone is working beyond his 8 hr day..his/her 40 hr week. Many of my friends can vouch for the pain of working beyond time zones and boundaries, simply to deliver faster (the better is lost in translation!). Do we really need instant gratification and success in $$ at the cost of happiness? Oh like the companies really care!

To me it seems like running on the treadmill to stay in place. ..rush to work, rush to meetings, rush to reply to emails, rush through lunch..the list is endless. It seems like people just want to get done with their job and rush back home to rush through the rest of their day. And it finally dawns on 31st Dec every year..the ultimate question: How did this year fly by? Promptly 'Will do better this year' follows.. How can one break this cycle?

So, where can I find it..my dream: work life balance. A job designed in such a way that I don't have to sacrifice at home to deliver at job or sacrifice at job to deliver at home..

Like I care..

you know the feature I hate on FB..it is the one that says X wrote 'bla..bla..' on Y's wall..I mean c'mon, why do I care what X wrote on Y's wall, unless I am interested in X or Y..and if I am, following him/her on FB instead of directly reaching makes me a loser. What would make an interesting twist in the tale is if X and Y were gossiping about me!

No seriously..Happy New Year!

Here we are..at the beginning of a Brand New Year. Like every new year, filled with optimism and hope for the upcoming 364 days. Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year!

New Year Resolution

When your very own mom says you need to lose weight, err..you better do something about it..

Testing from iphone

Testing

Power of Networks

So, it was a regular Friday morning. My brother was updating me on some of his job search status. He had a good interview and was hoping to land the offer. We used a networking site to see the profiles of the interviewers. I couldn't resist the temptation of seeing how I was connected to his interviewers. Moving smoothly across networking sites, I figured that my friend's brother was actually his interviewer! Hmm..the power of networking. On another hand, it is bloody darn scary that all your relationships are lying open across various networking sites..Not just the ones that you are in right now, but also the ones you wish you never had! Wonder if there is a backspace/undo for these links?

Financial Crisis?

Isn't this something that you are reading every day in blogs, newspapers, watching newscasts that constantly remind you of the dire situation we are in?
If you have enough time to retire (which might soon become a myth and then a legend!), I would just say, lets ride! My Macroeconomics professor always said, once you go through some really rough economic times, you emerge out (if you ever do) much more wiser and smarter. So, hang in there, as the French say "It is after all money!".