Caught inbetween two worlds

It is some time away from work for me. My little one isn't in the pinkest of her health and I'm hoping keeping her home will restore some color to her cheeks. Since we were home, me and a friend decided to meet for lunch. We both are new moms (sorta, my kid is 16 months and hers is about 10). I still like the term new moms as it gives us room to be a little more, how do I say it, pretend new mom? Well, coming to the point. We met for lunch. Much as I had anticipated, I ran up and down for paper towels between bites of sandwich. She cooed and rocked her baby between her bites of sandwich.
After we got done, we decided to take a walk with the babies hoping that'll get them to sleep.

Like a gaggle of geese, when women get together, we talk (yes, mostly just talk). Talking to her, I realized how much value my work adds to my identity. I'm struggling to be a good mom to my little one. This means, I have to take time away from work, try to spend quality time with her in the evening, work up a magic in the kitchen for her, tend to her during her bouts of crying at night. I enjoy parts of it and not so much other parts of it. But this seems to reduce the additional time I can put in for work - not just the part that is done in the office like turning in your deliverables. I'm talking more about the part that is done outside: networking, conferences, company events etc. I wanna be the coolest mom around yet I'm burning to be the smartest kid on the block at work too. These two roles seem to be consuming time out of a finite space.

Definitely caught inbetween the two worlds. I guess in this era, all worlds a stage..unfortunately, you don more than one character and have to change quickly between acts. In some acts, you have a split personality =)

Different? not, I want it same!

Everyone is on a journey to find something different, to do something different, to make something unique. But once in a while, we all need the same same. We want it exactly the way it was, nothing changed like Amma's coffee, Daddy's scooter sounds, ringa-ringa roses tune. This time, for me, it was the wedding season.
I am missing close to 7 weddings this year (that is counting only the ones until july). I was swamped with memories this morning of weddings. My friend jokingly mentioned that we need to move the weddings to here in the US, but I stopped him. I just realized, I want the audacious-loud-indian wedding. I want the wedding halls with tubelights and creaky chairs. I want the jasmine flowers, sandalwood water sprinkled by little girls and one coy teenager. I want to hear that "vaango vaango" from a smiling stranger who has no idea how I am related to the bride/groom but warmly welcomes me as a part of her family. I want to hear that nadaswaram fill the room with some abaswaram, some melliflous, some known, some unknown melodies. I want to be in the crowd, alive with happiness, excitement so tangible that you can touch it. I want to be a part of the mindless banter around pattu sarees, jewellery, show off gifts from hubby, mil to the jealous eyes of observer. Every now and then, pay attention to what is going on with the bride and groom on stage. Run around and help the family with the wedding proceeds, watch the wedding go step by step and remember my own. I want the same maamas and maami's calling me and talking to be for atleast 30 mins, reliving memories from yester years; just enjoying being part of a big, loud, yappy family. I want the orange juice spilling on maami's saree, coffee-is-cold complaints, kesari is heavy, idli is light. The getting ready for lunch; have the guests enjoyed the food; have wedding favors been given out. The part where I would be dying to eat a morsel and finally be relieved to find it my my turn to sit at the table. The part where I would enjoy every part of the food; the festivities and the fun. I wouldn't change a thing about the weddings. I want nothing different. Just the same - old-chaotic-colorful weddings =)

Oh! I so miss the weddings in India-South India- Madras/Chennai!

Creativity and inner Balance..

This was written back in Oct-Nov 2009 and finally gets to see the blogworld:
During my baby bonding time to say that I enjoyed myself these past weeks is an understatement. I spent a good amount of time with Pingu, tried to squeeze in workouts here and there and in general been busy with my own little projects. I am beginning to realize more and more than I need to have an outlet for creativity. In this world of schedules, deadlines, square boxes, straight lanes there needs to be a room to have fluidity, shapelessness, chaos. I started mini projects to decorate my rooms and am beginning to draw satisfaction from them. I guess this was what I have been missing past few years there by leading to a restless inner self. Back in my tweens (gosh, realizing I'm old!), I was a part of a group that did a lot of creative structures and even more creative kadalai (smirk) which helped establish a good balance. Hopefully I find that balance soon.

Time Scarcity

It is past 3.00 am in the morning. I haven't slept a wink. I managed to clean up the kitchen a little, pack lunch and dinner for hub, lunch for myself, clean some of the l'll one's stuff, put away toys and dolls displayed and some other minor activities that I don't recall now. I still have more official work pending, the clothes are lying after laundry waiting to be folded and neatly arranged. I was told earlier today that an insect was found in some clothes. I need to look into what happened. Oh, I have a lamp to clean..this list seems endless.. There is something def wrong with the way I am using my time.. may be I am just loosing it and can't find it...

Bollywood Stars and Blogs

Hbee on a tour out at SD, baybee fast asleep, I finally got my time. It wasn't exactly downtime when I started working. I remembered reading somewhere not to spend my entire life working. Good point. I decided to go through some tinsel town news. One thing lead to another and I was glancing through blogs of Aamir Khan and Big B. Hmm. I think even if I was paid to blv, I wouldn't blv that Aamir and Big B write their blogs everyday. Don't they also have the same 24 hrs that I do. There are many days when I find it hard to carve out time to fix my hair (which typically shudn't take more than 15 mins and yes! I don't get even that 15 mins most of the days and end up pulling it all into a tiny ponytail..it is more like a pig tail actually). How do stars as big as themselves find the time to write PAGES of articles every day? I can't help but feel sorry for them for having to lead a life behind so many different masks (I'm thinking artistic venetian masks). May be it is true for them too. Their work-acting also spills over into their personal life and the line between work and life disappears..that would be some strange living!

Down Time..hmm..what to do??

These days, I don't get much time to sit down/read emails/catch up with friends. So weird, but today I finally got this much needed down time. But I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do!!!

Spontaneity

Spontaneous?Not me. I am a planner. I make lists, lists of lists and enjoy the feeling of crossing them out when they are done. But I am beginning to realize that I see the world as squares while everyone enjoys things in all sorts of shapes and forms.
Ever wondered how some people can be so spontaneous. They don't seem to care what the people around them would think of them, what they would say/how they would react. I love such spontaneous people. They add that spice to live. They seem to live the moment, breathe life into boring monotony, bring sunshine and smiles into any place they stop by. They seem to enjoy life. Being this list maker, I fear I wouldn't have fun stories to share with my grandchildren(yes, I think about such things). I feel guilty for running through each day just doing what is required before hitting the bed and calling it a night. It is not that I don't get ideas that can bring a smile on people's face and make my day happier. I am still wondering what is that "thing" that is stopping me.

I was talking about this to a friend and I'm slowly realizing there are two kinds of spontaneity. I would classify them as 'long term' and 'short term' or 'tactical' and 'strategic'. Spontaneous action that would yield happiness in long run (job, career decision, school, girlfriend) being strategic. Things like unplanned picnic, dancing during the day like no one is watching, singing out loud, long drives, hanging out being tactical.

There is more to say, but I lost my train of thought/inspiration. Will come back and pen them down when they hit me. To summarize, I am thinking tactical spontaneity brings more smiles everyday. Would you agree?